David Pompeii has some thoughts about that.
Thank you The Sports Dump for posting my video rant.
Three UCLA basketball players — including LiAngelo Ball, the brother of Lakers rookie Lonzo Ball — were arrested for shoplifting during the team's trip to China on Tuesday.
David Pompeii has some thoughts about that.
From The Movie Guys Website:
Showcast Episode 83: Stand-up comic and all-round hilarious guy David Pompeii joins The Movie Guys for a big 4-movie weekend’s worth of previews, including “The Wedding Ringer”, “Paddington”, “Blackhat” and the wide release of “American Sniper”. Also, angry Kevin Hart tweets, great stories about Key & Peele and “The Godfather” and a rousing version of Karen’s Birthdays.
My Take On This Week's Headlines:
by David Pompeii
Chris Rock and Wife of 19 Years Divorce--Pre Nup Recently Expired
My 2 Cents: Damn.
High School Girls Basket Ball Coach Suspended After Winning 161-2
My 2 Cents: The Losing Coach was hired by the New York Nicks.
Whitest Oscar Nominees Since 1995
My 2 Cents: Here is the solution. The Academy should give one Oscar per race, with each award getting equal airtime. The broadcast would last 4 days and the right movies still wouldn't win.
Al Sharpton Calls An Emergency Meeting About Oscars
My 2 Cents: Black Americans face high unemployment, crime, poverty, racism, and discrimination. But I'll be able to sleep easy once I know what we are going to do about those damn Academy Award nominations!
NBC: Ending Comedy Drought Is Top Priority
My 2 Cents: Now that is funny!
US Attorney General Bans Asset Seizure
My 2 Cents: Now that cops are banned from stealing your houses and luxury cars, they can devote more time to serving, protecting, and killing Black people.
Michael Sam Says There Are Lots Of Gay Men In The NFL
My 2 Cents: Now there is one less.
Google To Stop Selling Google Glass Eyewear Amid Privacy Concerns
My 2 Cents: You people who are worried about being secretly video taped in public must not know you can already buy hidden body cameras on ebay for $50 bucks.
World Expresses Shock At Attack On Charlie Hedbo Newspaper
My 2 Cents: Saddened yes, angry sure, but shocked? The same Newspaper was fire bombed in 2011 after printing cartoons about the Prophet Mohammed. A more accurate headline would be, "World Not Surprised By Crazy People Anymore".
by David Pompeii
Do you deserve to be on
Santa's naughty list?
Its the thought that counts, right?
But, if you get aluminum tongs in your Christmas stocking when you hinted at an Hermes bag, then something must be wrong.
Are the people in your life terrible gift givers or did you get exactly what you deserved? How can you know for sure? Take the Yultide PompQuiz and find out if you deserve to be on Santa's naughty list!
Answer the questions below as truthfully as you can:
1) Do you re-gift?
a) No, I would never do that.
b) I have in the past, but only because I ran out of money.
c) What the hell am I going to do with some bullshit aluminum tongs!
2) When you exit the grocery store, where do you leave the shopping cart?
a) With that Latino dude in the orange vest.
b) In that cart holder thing, with the other carts.
c) I push it all the way to the parking lot exit until the wheels lock and then I leave it there
for the Latino dude in the orange vest.
3) Do you look up your Ex on social media out of “curiosity” but are secretly hoping that you are doing better in life than they are?
a) What? How did you think of that crazy mess?
b) I actually started to do that, realized it was silly and stopped myself.
c) They got fat! Ha! Glad I hit it back in the day!
4) When you see a mentally ill homeless person having an episode in a public place, do you:
a) Go over to them and try to help.
b) Call the authorities and wait on hold until finally, nobody comes to help them.
c) Steer clear of the crazy and hope that they don’t come near you, smelling all bad and looking crazy and shit. Damn! How the fuck does this happen in America? We go all around the world trying to help other motherfuckers but don’t do shit for the people that live here. This motherfucker right here needs some help and can’t get shit! And what the hell can I do for him? I can barely take care of my own family. How is my son going to go to college? This shit sucks. Oh good, here comes my bus.
5) Do you currently take any recreational drugs?
c) I never get high on my own supply.
6) When you make a mistake do you blame others?
a) Only when I can get away with it.
b) No, that wouldn't be fair.
c) Look, I put my phone down before that guy got hit. It wasn't my fault. He should’ve watched where he was walking. What an asshole!
7) You are surrounded by idiots and you have to let them know or they will never learn!
8) Do you pull out your cell phone while talking to someone else face to face?
a) No that would be rude.
b) Only when their conversation is just not stimulating enough.
c) I can multi-task.
9) Do you knock before entering a bathroom
a) Always, you can’t “unsee” your Grandma on the toilet.
b) Knock? I have to go really bad.
d) Yes, and I live alone.
10) Do you drive a Prius?
a) Yes, don’t all self-righteous pricks?
b) Do you mean one of those ugly little cars driven by self-righteous pricks?
Weird, Scary and WTF Christmas Card Photos.
Maybe next time they should just buy cards from Hallmark.
by David Pompeii
Everyone knows how difficult it is to keep New Years Resolutions. We teach kids that there are no winners and no losers. We don't even keep score at basketball camp anymore. But we judge ourselves on how many personal improvements we can make in a year. Since everybody gets a trophy there is no need to keep score. With that in mind, I offer you 10 New Years resolutions that you will be able to keep. I guarantee it.
New Years Resolutions for 2015
1) Give Up
Never underestimate the power of giving up. We put in a ton of effort for some perceived goal that, even if attained, can never live up to our expectations. Why bother with all of the aggravation associated with trying when you can just quit and feel the stress melt away?
Giving up is easy. It takes no effort, no planning ahead and you can do it while sitting down. That is a resolution you can keep!
2) Gain Weight
Gaining weight is almost as easy as giving up. It is also much more enjoyable. Forget a kale salad, eat a chocolate cake. Water flavored with lemon peel?, Hell to-the-no!, Drink a liter of root beer topped with scoops of ice cream. After Christmas dinner, don’t have seconds, have thirds! You'll watch in amazement at how successful you can be if the goal is to gain weight. Let's see if stretch pants really can!
3) Spend Money
If you want it buy it. Buying stuff is great fun, ask any woman!
4) Add a Vice
We all know few things can beat a good vice. Life is more interesting when you do things that you shouldn't. So go ahead and start smoking, drink more liquor, get into internet porn, take up gambling. In fact do all of the above. Variety is the spice of life and there is no limit to the illicit behaviors that will get you on the path of moral decay, and dirty fun. Let’s face it, years from now you’d look like a damn fool laying in the casket dead from nothing.
5) Stay Home
That's right, stay home as much as possible. Don’t go on vacation or travel the world looking for adventure. You'll pay out tons of money, get hassled at airports and when you finally get to your destination you are kidnapped and beheaded by ISIS. Who needs it! In the immortal words of Bilbo Baggins, “Adventures make one late for dinner.”
6) Stay Unorganized
Don’t sort out your personal papers, clean out that junk drawer or review those old files on your desktop. Other people may see a disorganized mess, but you know where everything is. Besides, if you haven’t seen it in a year, how important could it be?
7) Keep Your Shitty Job
Searching for work is a titanic hassle. First you have to lie on your resume. Then you go through the insane interview process, getting judged by groups of morons that you don’t even respect. After all of that, you get rejected.
Once you do manage to get a job, still making less than you're worth, you realize that most of your co-workers are idiots. So you might as well keep the shitty job you have now. At least you are comfortable and no one expects much out of you; so you don't really have to perform. You also don’t have to wait three months for your health insurance to start.
8) Cancel Your Gym Membership
You don’t go anyway. Keeping that membership just makes you feel guilty. Cancel it. If you don’t have a gym membership, start one and then cancel it. See how much better you will feel!
9) Don’t Start a Bucket List
Not starting something is easier than quitting later. Why plan on doing something before you die if after you are dead you won’t know? You can just watch skydiving on TV. Once you develop Alzheimer's disease you will think it is a real memory anyway.
10) Become a Fuck Buddy
Forget relationships. Dating is a terrible ritual. People never show you that they are needy, immature and just plain ratchet until it is way too late. Why bother with all of that when you can become a fuck buddy and get the sex without the hassle. Life becomes so much simpler when you know your role: Fucker, fuckee or just plain fucked.
Now go pick up your trophy.
To see the slideshow now, scroll down.
There are few things as funny
as an incident that has an ironic twist.
Especially if no one is seriously injured. We can laugh as much as we want without feeling guilty. One of my favorite jokes is an ironic little story about a lactose intolerant man who avoids being hit by a milk truck only to be run over by a herd of stampeding cows.
Most of you will think that this person in the photo lost control of their car and crashed into the wall. The accident just happened to occur under a Drive-Thru/pharmacy sign. I have more faith in humanity than that. I believe that this person saw the sign and being a good citizen, tried to obey it. I applaud the effort.
The Department of Motor Vehicles doesn't keep any statistics on the number of ironic accidents in the US. Even if they did we would have to press two for English, listen to a bullshit recording about quality assurance and wade through a bunch of useless options. If we finally do get through, I'm sure a recording would tell us that the statistics will be be mailed to us in 4 to 6 weeks for a $15 fee.
Well loyal reader, I did the research and compiled a list. Ironic Accidents like, cars driving through places that have a drive-thru without actually using the drive-thru, happen quite often.
And now for your entertainment, I present a slide show of some of my favorite Ironic Accidents, complete with scroll over captions:
Do Opposites Attract?
Pimp Daddy 'Hustlin' Stack Money Says:
Everybody is looking for some more excitement!
The shit you see everyday as you go about your business may be cool for a while; but, sooner or later you're gonna wanna see the other side of town. Dig where I'm comin from, Trick?
It's something new. So it catches your attention and you get excited. Like the first time you drive a 'El Dog'. If you wasn't raised up on 'em then you act like a school boy in a tittie factory, all wide eyed and open mouthed and shit.
But some muthafuckas can't handle a Cadillac. It's too much car for 'em and they have to go back to Buicks and Oldsmobiles and shit. They didn't feel comfortable.
So opposites do attract, like peanut butter and jelly. But to build the kind of relationship that'll get you to the Players Ball, you gotta have longevity. And that right there is the problem. Opposites do attract; but they don’t stay together.
Dig this here. Lotta folks smile and say "opposites attract" not realizing that it will probably lead to a very bad break up. Like when I had to cut loose my bottom bitch because she was vegan. She was too different, too hard to feed. She couldn't never order what was on the menu like normal ho's. Hell, after awhile it was too much hassle so I fired her ass. She had to go outlaw.
So dig this anecdote here.
My road dog was a three time loser, just got out of Joliet Prison, and was tryin to do his thang, you know. Well, he start shackin up wit this bitch he met at the dope spot. She was a fine young hammer, tender; but she would turn a trick or two when shit got tight. So she was cool you know, good people.
Well the problem was they were opposites, he was on coke and she was on heroin. Now at first it was cool because they not doin each others dope. You know, he'd go out for awhile and leave a stash at home. When he comes back his dope is still there. I don't know if you know this but mutha fuckas will kill you for goin in they stash. Murder is definitely a bad way to break up. So this arrangement was working for a while. He aint down wit horse and she aint playin in no snow. Sounds perfect if you in a dope fiend relationship. But they still couldn’t stay together.
See, when you in a relationship, you have to spend time together and they never saw each other.
He’d be wide awake smokin rocks all night. Heroin make you nod off, so she would be asleep. She’d wake up just in time to see him pass out. They never talked, never went anywhere together. They never took meals together. She would be hungry but, that cocaine killed his appetite and he never wanted to eat.
They stopped fuckin. Smokin that shit will ruin your johnson. How you gonna fuck when your dick aint no more good? Hell, even when he did manage to get his swipe hard, she'd be in a nod and vomiting on herself. Unless you are turned on by regurgitated rib tips, then that's just gonna kill the mood. Dig? That's just not good pussy right there.
The Break Up
Their relationship was doomed from the start. That's like partnering up with a compulsive gambler and robbing a crap game. You aint gonna make no scratch because his ass loses the money right back to the mutha fuckas you just robbed!
So peep this, opposites attract for a little while, but they don’t stay together. They can't. They have to break up. And when they do try to stay together they aint never gonna be happy. Cause, the shit aint right, like peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.
It's together, but that shit just ain't right.
Pimp Daddy "Hustlin" Stack Money
for more relationship advice from Pimp Daddy 'Hustlin' Stack Money check out the next Pomposity Comedy Newsletter
David Pompeii is a Stand Up Comic, Actor and Comedy writer.