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It's 5 am. I've had 4 hours sleep. I have to travel 1800 miles and do a comedy show. Take a road trip with me as I host the Break Out Comedy Festival in Chicago. Featuring some live comedy video from the festival, a look behind the scenes and a tour of "Old Town" in the heart of the city.
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Funny Observations, Wisecracks, Quips, and Commentary; But no goddamn puns! Okay, maybe one pun.7/2/2018  More Funny Observations, (or at least they are funny to me) Memorial Day One of my favorite holidays. Memorial Day is a day to never forget and apparently also a good day to buy a mattress.  Solo: A Star Wars Story Come for the Lando, stay for the capes.  Michael Avenatti Michael Avenatti is like a bad used car salesman who talks through all of your objections, then looks confused when you don’t buy the shitty 2004 Buick Century.  Life In Southern Callifornia I think to anecdotally sum up life in southern California, you only need to look to the guy, who drove his $80,000 Porsche to the Pacific Ocean, so that he could watch the sun rise.  I’m guessing the poor dumb bastard is still there waiting. The University of Maine University administrators brought in goats as stress relievers for students during final exams. When I was in school to relieve stress we had to use old fashioned preparation. Apparently we were living in the dark ages and didn't know it. Why should I have had to handle my stress by knowing my shit when somebody could have brought me a goat!  10 years from now when these students are stressed out at work, HR had better bring in some goats. Or that’s some bullshit. #nogoatseither Another Self-Driving Tesla Crashed Another Tesla on autopilot crashed into a parked car. Some political groups, trying to get payoffs from Elon Musk, are screaming about the "risk to the public" and calling for Tesla to shut down the autopilot program.  On the same day of the Tesla crash 3,287 human drivers crashed into parked cars, trees, fences, walls, lamp posts, light posts, animals, big rocks, little stumps, other vehicles and each other. The response from these same political groups who were railing about risk to the public: (crickets) In Minnesota, Authorities want to know why a man fired shots at an empty school bus. a. He thought it was a horse. b. The little bastards had it coming. c. Because the internet. d. He thought it was the Partridge Family. e. He didn’t like the way it looked at him. f. "It wasn’t me, the Warriors did it, they shot Cyrus!" g. He was fuckin crazy.  Oceans Late I want to see a heist movie with an all female cast, where everybody onscreen is always worried that they might be pregnant, call it "Oceans Late."   By the way, speaking of apes: Roseanne looks like Dr Zaius fucked a pig.  Royal Wedding There are two words I never have to hear again, Royal Wedding. The media talked about it so much, I actually believed something important was going on. It was the longest 2 seconds of my life.  The Irony of all the royal wedding frenzy was not lost on me. It was remarkable to be told for 15 years not to call young girls “Princesses” for obvious reasons, only to watch American women lose their minds over royal weddings. Oh’ wait I’m sorry. I’m using logic and reason to call out bullshit. I think that is “mansplaining” these days. ++++++++++++++++++++++++ *Memorial Day joke blatantly stolen from my friend TJ Shanoff.
Check out some of my previous posts: Weekend Sports Dump https://steemit.com/sports/@davidpompeii/vzsgjuco Under the Red Carpet at the Solo: A Star Wars Story premier https://steemit.com/solo/@davidpompeii/tq4eyrgh A Comedy Deconstruction of TV News https://steemit.com/humor/@davidpompeii/the-real-fakenews-a-comedy-deconstruction-of-tv-news-in-america On the Hollywood Walk of Fame before the premier of Solo: A Star Wars Story, under the Red Carpet6/21/2018
Added on May 11, 2018
A guy with no access takes you on a stroll down the Hollywood Walk of Fame as we go backstage, and under the red carpet at the Hollywood premier of Solo: A Star Wars Story...in Hollywood! We start our little trek at the world famous Hotel Roosevelt and make our way all the way down Hollywood Blvd to Highland Ave, a full block. At one point we even cross the street. I know, an insane crazy joy ride, right? I'll never forget the few minutes I spent shooting this on my iphone. And neither will you!  Naked News is a Canadian news and entertainment program owned by Naked Broadcasting Network. In America we keep hearing about Fake News. That is kind of surprising because TV News is entertainment. Take the Naked News from the Naked News Broadcasting Network in Canada. The Naked News has beautiful women (and some men), stripping nude as they report the latest news, weather and sports. That sure beats the hell out of Wolf Blitzer's tired looking ass. A Problem with News in the US The term Entertainment News is an oxymoron, two opposite ideas that are joined together, like Jumbo Shrimp or Empowered Stripper. What's worse, a large portion of our society get their news from comedy shows like The Daily Show or Morning Joe. The Real FakeNews at 11 How about a News show in the US that drops the hypocrisy altogether, and admits that it is an entertainment platform? Let's take a look inside and deconstruct TV News in America!
2SHOT ANCHORS  Jack Goff and Sandy Feet Jack: Tornados have devastated the midwest and Kellyanne Conway's hair. Hi I’m Jack Goff. Sandy: And I’m Sandy Feet. The latest on Michael Cohen in court, find out what the Judge said that's raising eyebrows. And Presidents, Prostitutes and Pee-pee, new revelations from the James Comey book! All that and more coming up on the Real FakeNews Report. Jack: But first, here’s what’s happening in your world, if you happen to live where something happened that was interesting enough to make the show.
In California an endangered Mountain Lion critically injured a member of PETA who was attempting to give it mouth to mouth. The Mountain Lion mauled the PETA worker who later died, of stupidity. In Miami a vegetarian is in critical condition after suffering from exhaustion while lifting a can of V8. Across America the debate rages, Stormy Daniels: Empowered Woman, THOT or Golddiggin Ho? The latest poll. Sandy: We begin with political news out of Washington. Let's go to our Washington- ISO Sandy
Washington Package  "Thank you Sandy. Today in Washington nothing happened. There were no new revelations in the Comey book. In fact, no one said anything at all. What's more, no one did anything either. There is just nothing to report. An unexpected result of nothing happening in Washington is that apparently for one day comedians around the country forgot their obsession with Trump and started doing comedy again. Let’s hope that trend continues."
2SHOT ANCHORS  Sandy: Meanwhile, I'll look for a way to make that story about me. Jack: Sandy, I think you just did. Next up, Entertainment news with "back from TV Host exile" Billy Bush.  "Yeah, I'm back doing some bullshit podcast for FOX and correspondent work for you assholes at Real FakeNews. Fine, let's get this over with... (grumbling to himself) I got fired from NBC for some bullshit anyway. I didn't even say anything. Trump said it. But I get fired and that motherfucker becomes President!"
(Pause...)  Billy: Again? (Heavy sigh)
"It's not even awards season yet; but, actress Meryl Streep has won an Oscar for her role in winning Oscars. Taylor Swift released a good song. This is Fake News right? So yeah, Taylor Swift released a good song. And the world anxiously awaits Solo: A Star Wars Story, anticipating..no, more like hoping that it will be better than the last Star Wars movie. Or at the very least, hoping that it won't be worse. Because honestly the last one was terrible. That’s real shit on Real FakeNews! I’m a life long Star Wars fan and I can’t even remember the name of the goddamned movie, it sucked so bad. Fuck Kathleen Kennedy! …Back to you." BROLL
 Hi, hi we're your weather girls Ah-huh And have we got news for you You better listen Get ready, all you lonely girls And leave those umbrellas at home Alright Humidity is rising (uh rising), barometer's getting low (oh low, girl) According to all sources (what sources now), the street's the place to go (we better hurry up) 'Cause tonight for the first time (first time) Just about half-past ten (half past ten) For the first time in history It's gonna start raining men (start raining men) It's raining men, hallelujah, it's raining men, amen I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get Absolutely soaking wet It's raining men, hallelujah It's raining men, every specimen Tall, blonde, dark and lean Rough and tough and strong and mean God bless… Look out your window. That’s the weather. 2Shot Anchors  Sandy: Now for sports, live from the Red Carpet, here’s Sports Illustrated Super Model, Roshumba Williams. Jack: Roshumba! RealFake News Sports Package  "Thank you, It is Springtime and that means win or go home in the first round of the NBA Playoffs. Let's take a look at some highlights from the weekend games.
Injured for the first series, Warriors point guard Steph Curry can be spotted on the sideline looking evermuch the super star in dark blue Armani, with a black cashmere pullover by Varvatos. James Harden shines in the traditional Houston Rockets uniform, vivid red trimmed in white, with low top Basketball shoes by Nike, accessorized with NBA socks by Champion. Charles Barkley was spotted on the set of the NBA on TNT, doing the best he can. Bless his heart. That’s the Sports wrap up, live from the Red Carpet.
2 SHOT ANCHORS  Sandy: Thanks Roshumba. Still ahead a humorous anecdote designed to make you feel a little better about your miserable life. Jack: And later, I’ll say the word, Pancake. That and more when we return. FADE OUT BREAK MUSIC 2 SHOT ANCHORS, FADE IN BREAK MUSIC
2 SHOT ANCHORS  Sandy: Welcome Back. Ok It's time for my anecdote. Once I was at an outdoor concert and I had to go really badly. I walked around for a long time but couldn't find a restroom. Just when I thought I couldn't hold it anymore, that is when I saw a Port-a-potty. Jack Goff. So inspirational. From all of us here, have a great (night, day, week end). See ya next time. Pancake. Closing Music Provided By: Disney Studios
Correction The entire news show has been corrected, we were wrong about everything. In fact everything you see on the News is speculation, guesswork and propaganda with the facts distorted to support our corporate editorial policy. We apologize for the error(s). Correcting the previous correction: We wish to issue a correction to the previous correction. In the previous correction we stated that we were wrong about everything. We were wrong about that. We were correct about our own names. Correction of the Previous correction, including the correction before that: Jack Goff and Sandy Feet are fake names. FADE OUT MUSIC /////// Check Out My Previous Posts: https://steemit.com/humor/@davidpompeii/funny-observations-wisecracks-quips-and-commentary-but-no-goddamn-puns What a farce, so why not take it further? https://steemit.com/humor/@davidpompeii/trump-stormy-daniels-which-president-banged-the-hottest-chicks-and-other-signs-of-the-apocalypse  A new study is reporting that in America, young men are spending more time playing computer games than working. Maybe that’s because young men in America have more Playstations than jobs. That’s not to say that some of them couldn’t find jobs, if they wanted. But most of the teens I come into contact with don’t want a job. My son won't even walk near anything that looks like work. Recently my son asked me for $20 so that he could go with his friends to see Black Panther. I told him to get a job. He looked confused. I told him that he is getting to be really expensive. It used to be $5 bucks for a comic book and some candy, now it's $8 for a matinee and $12 for the Smash Burgerafterwards. I suggested again that he get a job. Maybe he could work 15-20 hours a week after school and on weekends. Then he'd have his own money. The benefits of having your own money are tremendous, I explained. When a new PS4 game comes out he wouldn’t have to wait until Christmas. He could pre-order! But more importantly, If he showed the kind of responsibility that it takes to keep a job, he wouldn't even have to ask me if he could go to the movies. He could just tell me that he's going. I would be okay with it, because he would be showing a high level of maturity and independence. It would prove to me that he is making the jump from boy to young man, kind of like a Klingon Rite of Passage; but without the pain sticks.  Klingon Rite of Passage, with Pain Sticks An after school job isn't just for money to blow at the mall, I cautioned. It is an investment in one's own future. I looked him in the eye to see if he understood. He looked back at me with a level of confusion I had never seen in another human being. It was like a dog that has just seen another dog on TV for the first time. At that moment, his Mother walked in with a handful of Black Panther tickets for him and his friends. He jumped for joy and dashed off to his room, gleefully punching buttons on his cell phone. My son learned a valuable lesson that day. As he said later: I should have known not to ask my Dad. His Mom learned something even more important: Kendrick Lamar concert tickets cost about $200.  More Funny Observations, (or at least they are funny to me)
Papa John’s Is No Longer The Official Pizza of The NFL. I know what you’re thinking. Papa John’s makes pizza? Smart Toys Are A Danger To Children I’m guessing it’s because the kid’s self esteem is damaged when they discover that the toy is smarter than they are. Elon Musk Said Artificial Intelligence is the most dangerous thing facing the world today. I have to disagree. No intelligence is the most dangerous thing facing the world today. I prefer any kind of intelligence, artificial or otherwise, over no motherfuckin intelligence at all. Robots That Cut The Grass There are robots in Japan that will cut your grass. We have something similar in the US, we call them “Undocumented Immigrants”. The Latest in The Russia Investigation Vodka has been linked to a Russian businessman. The Media as a Watch Dog The media is supposed to be a watchdog. Now we need a watchdog to watch the watchdog that’s supposed to be watching the dogs. Ironic Observation of the Week When the leader of the free world comes to your town, the government restricts your freedom. A Chinese Satellite is Falling A Chinese satellite is falling to Earth from space. If any pieces land in the US, Trump will charge a 5% Tariff. Trade War In response to US tariffs on Chinese exports to America, the Chinese govt. has raised tariffs on US goods. What does it all mean? When they buy pork, wine or steel from us it will cost them more. When we buy cheap shit from the dollar store that breaks before you get out of the parking lot, it will cost us more. Good luck with that, China. Ancient Native American Petroglyph Defaced Officials are searching for whoever defaced an ancient Native American petroglyph by etching the names Isaac and Emily on it.
Check out my previous post, Trump, Stormy Daniels, Which President Banged the Hottest Chicks and Other Signs of the Apocalypse. Click Here: https://steemit.com/humor/@davidpompeii/trump-stormy-daniels-which-president-banged-the-hottest-chicks-and-other-signs-of-the-apocalypse |
EditorDavid Pompeii is a Stand Up Comic, Actor and Comedy writer. Archives
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