Everyone knows how difficult it is to keep New Years Resolutions. We teach kids that there are no winners and no losers. We don't even keep score at basketball camp anymore. But we judge ourselves on how many personal improvements we can make in a year. Since everybody gets a trophy there is no need to keep score. With that in mind, I offer you 10 New Years resolutions that you will be able to keep. I guarantee it.
New Years Resolutions for 2015
1) Give Up
Never underestimate the power of giving up. We put in a ton of effort for some perceived goal that, even if attained, can never live up to our expectations. Why bother with all of the aggravation associated with trying when you can just quit and feel the stress melt away?
Giving up is easy. It takes no effort, no planning ahead and you can do it while sitting down. That is a resolution you can keep!
2) Gain Weight
Gaining weight is almost as easy as giving up. It is also much more enjoyable. Forget a kale salad, eat a chocolate cake. Water flavored with lemon peel?, Hell to-the-no!, Drink a liter of root beer topped with scoops of ice cream. After Christmas dinner, don’t have seconds, have thirds! You'll watch in amazement at how successful you can be if the goal is to gain weight. Let's see if stretch pants really can!
3) Spend Money
If you want it buy it. Buying stuff is great fun, ask any woman!
4) Add a Vice
We all know few things can beat a good vice. Life is more interesting when you do things that you shouldn't. So go ahead and start smoking, drink more liquor, get into internet porn, take up gambling. In fact do all of the above. Variety is the spice of life and there is no limit to the illicit behaviors that will get you on the path of moral decay, and dirty fun. Let’s face it, years from now you’d look like a damn fool laying in the casket dead from nothing.
5) Stay Home
That's right, stay home as much as possible. Don’t go on vacation or travel the world looking for adventure. You'll pay out tons of money, get hassled at airports and when you finally get to your destination you are kidnapped and beheaded by ISIS. Who needs it! In the immortal words of Bilbo Baggins, “Adventures make one late for dinner.”
6) Stay Unorganized
Don’t sort out your personal papers, clean out that junk drawer or review those old files on your desktop. Other people may see a disorganized mess, but you know where everything is. Besides, if you haven’t seen it in a year, how important could it be?
7) Keep Your Shitty Job
Searching for work is a titanic hassle. First you have to lie on your resume. Then you go through the insane interview process, getting judged by groups of morons that you don’t even respect. After all of that, you get rejected.
Once you do manage to get a job, still making less than you're worth, you realize that most of your co-workers are idiots. So you might as well keep the shitty job you have now. At least you are comfortable and no one expects much out of you; so you don't really have to perform. You also don’t have to wait three months for your health insurance to start.
8) Cancel Your Gym Membership
You don’t go anyway. Keeping that membership just makes you feel guilty. Cancel it. If you don’t have a gym membership, start one and then cancel it. See how much better you will feel!
9) Don’t Start a Bucket List
Not starting something is easier than quitting later. Why plan on doing something before you die if after you are dead you won’t know? You can just watch skydiving on TV. Once you develop Alzheimer's disease you will think it is a real memory anyway.
10) Become a Fuck Buddy
Forget relationships. Dating is a terrible ritual. People never show you that they are needy, immature and just plain ratchet until it is way too late. Why bother with all of that when you can become a fuck buddy and get the sex without the hassle. Life becomes so much simpler when you know your role: Fucker, fuckee or just plain fucked.
Now go pick up your trophy.