Weird, Scary and WTF Christmas Card Photos. Maybe next time they should just buy cards from Hallmark.
1 Comment
by David Pompeii
Everyone knows how difficult it is to keep New Years Resolutions. We teach kids that there are no winners and no losers. We don't even keep score at basketball camp anymore. But we judge ourselves on how many personal improvements we can make in a year. Since everybody gets a trophy there is no need to keep score. With that in mind, I offer you 10 New Years resolutions that you will be able to keep. I guarantee it. New Years Resolutions for 2015 1) Give Up Never underestimate the power of giving up. We put in a ton of effort for some perceived goal that, even if attained, can never live up to our expectations. Why bother with all of the aggravation associated with trying when you can just quit and feel the stress melt away? Giving up is easy. It takes no effort, no planning ahead and you can do it while sitting down. That is a resolution you can keep! 2) Gain Weight Gaining weight is almost as easy as giving up. It is also much more enjoyable. Forget a kale salad, eat a chocolate cake. Water flavored with lemon peel?, Hell to-the-no!, Drink a liter of root beer topped with scoops of ice cream. After Christmas dinner, don’t have seconds, have thirds! You'll watch in amazement at how successful you can be if the goal is to gain weight. Let's see if stretch pants really can! 3) Spend Money If you want it buy it. Buying stuff is great fun, ask any woman! 4) Add a Vice We all know few things can beat a good vice. Life is more interesting when you do things that you shouldn't. So go ahead and start smoking, drink more liquor, get into internet porn, take up gambling. In fact do all of the above. Variety is the spice of life and there is no limit to the illicit behaviors that will get you on the path of moral decay, and dirty fun. Let’s face it, years from now you’d look like a damn fool laying in the casket dead from nothing. 5) Stay Home That's right, stay home as much as possible. Don’t go on vacation or travel the world looking for adventure. You'll pay out tons of money, get hassled at airports and when you finally get to your destination you are kidnapped and beheaded by ISIS. Who needs it! In the immortal words of Bilbo Baggins, “Adventures make one late for dinner.” 6) Stay Unorganized Don’t sort out your personal papers, clean out that junk drawer or review those old files on your desktop. Other people may see a disorganized mess, but you know where everything is. Besides, if you haven’t seen it in a year, how important could it be? 7) Keep Your Shitty Job Searching for work is a titanic hassle. First you have to lie on your resume. Then you go through the insane interview process, getting judged by groups of morons that you don’t even respect. After all of that, you get rejected. Once you do manage to get a job, still making less than you're worth, you realize that most of your co-workers are idiots. So you might as well keep the shitty job you have now. At least you are comfortable and no one expects much out of you; so you don't really have to perform. You also don’t have to wait three months for your health insurance to start. 8) Cancel Your Gym Membership You don’t go anyway. Keeping that membership just makes you feel guilty. Cancel it. If you don’t have a gym membership, start one and then cancel it. See how much better you will feel! 9) Don’t Start a Bucket List Not starting something is easier than quitting later. Why plan on doing something before you die if after you are dead you won’t know? You can just watch skydiving on TV. Once you develop Alzheimer's disease you will think it is a real memory anyway. 10) Become a Fuck Buddy Forget relationships. Dating is a terrible ritual. People never show you that they are needy, immature and just plain ratchet until it is way too late. Why bother with all of that when you can become a fuck buddy and get the sex without the hassle. Life becomes so much simpler when you know your role: Fucker, fuckee or just plain fucked. Now go pick up your trophy. To see the slideshow now, scroll down. There are few things as funny as an incident that has an ironic twist. Especially if no one is seriously injured. We can laugh as much as we want without feeling guilty. One of my favorite jokes is an ironic little story about a lactose intolerant man who avoids being hit by a milk truck only to be run over by a herd of stampeding cows. Most of you will think that this person in the photo lost control of their car and crashed into the wall. The accident just happened to occur under a Drive-Thru/pharmacy sign. I have more faith in humanity than that. I believe that this person saw the sign and being a good citizen, tried to obey it. I applaud the effort. The Department of Motor Vehicles doesn't keep any statistics on the number of ironic accidents in the US. Even if they did we would have to press two for English, listen to a bullshit recording about quality assurance and wade through a bunch of useless options. If we finally do get through, I'm sure a recording would tell us that the statistics will be be mailed to us in 4 to 6 weeks for a $15 fee. Well loyal reader, I did the research and compiled a list. Ironic Accidents like, cars driving through places that have a drive-thru without actually using the drive-thru, happen quite often. And now for your entertainment, I present a slide show of some of my favorite Ironic Accidents, complete with scroll over captions: Do Opposites Attract? Pimp Daddy 'Hustlin' Stack Money Says: Everybody is looking for some more excitement! The shit you see everyday as you go about your business may be cool for a while; but, sooner or later you're gonna wanna see the other side of town. Dig where I'm comin from, Trick? It's something new. So it catches your attention and you get excited. Like the first time you drive a 'El Dog'. If you wasn't raised up on 'em then you act like a school boy in a tittie factory, all wide eyed and open mouthed and shit. But some muthafuckas can't handle a Cadillac. It's too much car for 'em and they have to go back to Buicks and Oldsmobiles and shit. They didn't feel comfortable. So opposites do attract, like peanut butter and jelly. But to build the kind of relationship that'll get you to the Players Ball, you gotta have longevity. And that right there is the problem. Opposites do attract; but they don’t stay together. Opposite Attraction Dig this here. Lotta folks smile and say "opposites attract" not realizing that it will probably lead to a very bad break up. Like when I had to cut loose my bottom bitch because she was vegan. She was too different, too hard to feed. She couldn't never order what was on the menu like normal ho's. Hell, after awhile it was too much hassle so I fired her ass. She had to go outlaw. So dig this anecdote here. My road dog was a three time loser, just got out of Joliet Prison, and was tryin to do his thang, you know. Well, he start shackin up wit this bitch he met at the dope spot. She was a fine young hammer, tender; but she would turn a trick or two when shit got tight. So she was cool you know, good people. Well the problem was they were opposites, he was on coke and she was on heroin. Now at first it was cool because they not doin each others dope. You know, he'd go out for awhile and leave a stash at home. When he comes back his dope is still there. I don't know if you know this but mutha fuckas will kill you for goin in they stash. Murder is definitely a bad way to break up. So this arrangement was working for a while. He aint down wit horse and she aint playin in no snow. Sounds perfect if you in a dope fiend relationship. But they still couldn’t stay together. See, when you in a relationship, you have to spend time together and they never saw each other. He’d be wide awake smokin rocks all night. Heroin make you nod off, so she would be asleep. She’d wake up just in time to see him pass out. They never talked, never went anywhere together. They never took meals together. She would be hungry but, that cocaine killed his appetite and he never wanted to eat. They stopped fuckin. Smokin that shit will ruin your johnson. How you gonna fuck when your dick aint no more good? Hell, even when he did manage to get his swipe hard, she'd be in a nod and vomiting on herself. Unless you are turned on by regurgitated rib tips, then that's just gonna kill the mood. Dig? That's just not good pussy right there. The Break Up Their relationship was doomed from the start. That's like partnering up with a compulsive gambler and robbing a crap game. You aint gonna make no scratch because his ass loses the money right back to the mutha fuckas you just robbed! So peep this, opposites attract for a little while, but they don’t stay together. They can't. They have to break up. And when they do try to stay together they aint never gonna be happy. Cause, the shit aint right, like peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. It's together, but that shit just ain't right. Pimp Daddy "Hustlin" Stack Money retired for more relationship advice from Pimp Daddy 'Hustlin' Stack Money check out the next Pomposity Comedy Newsletter |
EditorDavid Pompeii is a Stand Up Comic, Actor and Comedy writer. Archives
November 2018
Categories
All
|